My Fucking fuck fuck Diary April 30, 2018

April 30, 2018

11:40 pm

So today I stayed pretty much baseline all day. Im going to redose tomorrow and am very much looking forward to it.

Alright so this next part is going to be me explaining some very graphic sexual shit so if you don’t wanna develop the sudden urge to die then I’d probably stop reading here.

Ok so about an hour ago I got a blast of “I wanna fuck so bad” feels and I basically wanna document that feeling and why it sucks so bad.

So what it feels like is like a pressure around my dick. It kinda feels like my dick is going to explode, but I’m not nessesarily hard. It definitely does not feel very good.

Other things I can feel is my heart rate increases and nostrils dialate. Its kind of like fight of flight. My body seems to ready itself for sex that’s not going to happen. This is not too bad. The worst part is the mental aspect.

Mentally I feel frustration and anxiety. It feels like having an itch that’s impossible to scratch. It’s stressful. My body is having a stress reaction to it. It feels awful.

How the fuck are you supposed to deal with this? One could say jerking off, but for me at least the jerking off will mitigate it slightly, but the mental aspects will remain, which is the worst part. Besides masturbating sucks, and believe me I’m not a nofap asshole who thinks not jerking off can turn you into a healthy mix of Ryan Gosling and Bill Gates who can pole vault and grill a mean steak.

Oh, yeah after seeing avengers yesterday I’m kinda open to writing again so maybe I’ll throw some character building posts or some shit.

Anyway life sucks bye 🤣🔫

My Fucking fuck fuck Diary April 30, 2018

April 30, 2018

11:40 pm

So today I stayed pretty much baseline all day. Im going to redose tomorrow and am very much looking forward to it.

Alright so this next part is going to be me explaining some very graphic sexual shit so if you don’t wanna develop the sudden urge to die then I’d probably stop reading here.

Ok so about an hour ago I got a blast of “I wanna fuck so bad” feels and I basically wanna document that feeling and why it sucks so bad.

So what it feels like is like a pressure around my dick. It kinda feels like my dick is going to explode, but I’m not nessesarily hard. It definitely does not feel very good.

Other things I can feel is my heart rate increases and nostrils dialate. Its kind of like fight of flight. My body seems to ready itself for sex that’s not going to happen. This is not too bad. The worst part is the mental aspect.

Mentally I feel frustration and anxiety. It feels like having an itch that’s impossible to scratch. It’s stressful. My body is having a stress reaction to it. It feels awful.

How the fuck are you supposed to deal with this? One could say jerking off, but for me at least the jerking off will mitigate it slightly, but the mental aspects will remain, which is the worst part. Besides masturbating sucks, and believe me I’m not a nofap asshole who thinks not jerking off can turn you into a healthy mix of Ryan Gosling and Bill Gates who can pole vault and grill a mean steak.

Oh, yeah after seeing avengers yesterday I’m kinda open to writing again so maybe I’ll throw some character building posts or some shit.

Anyway life sucks bye 🤣🔫

My Fucking fuck fuck Diary April 30, 2018

April 30, 2018

11:40 pm

So today I stayed pretty much baseline all day. Im going to redose tomorrow and am very much looking forward to it.

Alright so this next part is going to be me explaining some very graphic sexual shit so if you don’t wanna develop the sudden urge to die then I’d probably stop reading here.

Ok so about an hour ago I got a blast of “I wanna fuck so bad” feels and I basically wanna document that feeling and why it sucks so bad.

So what it feels like is like a pressure around my dick. It kinda feels like my dick is going to explode, but I’m not nessesarily hard. It definitely does not feel very good.

Other things I can feel is my heart rate increases and nostrils dialate. Its kind of like fight of flight. My body seems to ready itself for sex that’s not going to happen. This is not too bad. The worst part is the mental aspect.

Mentally I feel frustration and anxiety. It feels like having an itch that’s impossible to scratch. It’s stressful. My body is having a stress reaction to it. It feels awful.

How the fuck are you supposed to deal with this? One could say jerking off, but for me at least the jerking off will mitigate it slightly, but the mental aspects will remain, which is the worst part. Besides masturbating sucks, and believe me I’m not a nofap asshole who thinks not jerking off can turn you into a healthy mix of Ryan Gosling and Bill Gates who can pole vault and grill a mean steak.

Oh, yeah after seeing avengers yesterday I’m kinda open to writing again so maybe I’ll throw some character building posts or some shit.

Anyway life sucks bye 🤣🔫

My Fuckin Diary April 27, 2018

April 27th

11:21 pm

Fuck I forgot I was supposed to post yesterday oh well.

So today’s word of the day is drugs, because I’ve been on them.

Shrooms are fun and are quickly becoming one of my favorite drugs. At the low doses I’ve been taking them and the euphoria is unreal.

The problem is why. I’ve been high all day because my life is one giant pile of shit not keeps on shitting. I left everything I had behind at home in search of something better here and I’m not getting this. I’ve tried everything to satisfy my need for companionship. Nothing is working. Nothing has worked. I am a fucking disease. No one sane should give a fuck about me.

1:06 am

So I approached a girl who was waiting for my bus and we had a nice conversation. Not gonna lie when I was writing what was above I wanted to cry. I went down to Valencia street and saw all the beautiful girls and the cool calm collected guys dancing and reveling in their social freedom. Talking to her brought me back to reality. Maybe all I need to do is approach which would be cool if it wasn’t so damn hard.

I need fuckin help.

Carpe (Freakin’) Diem: An Original

I am the lost souls of forgotten times
The light from my tv
Is my enemy
I wait here while my friends suck on limes with salt
Little did they know it was not their fault

What happened to the end of the world
When hair was neat and lashes were curled
Where are the laughing sun trodden boys and girls
This is the words of days unseen
When those who’ve seen them lie breathless, serene

And me a strapping young buck with a dying heart
On that hasn’t been beating truly since it’s start
Without a pacemaker and a spiritual clutch
When will the children go a day without much
Is the day we all stop affording lunch
So bad to us that the crutch of alcohol and cannabis is needed as such

Where we’re the parents they’ll say
That what they on tv at six everyday
One mom weeps and the others in jail
Suicide pills arrive in the mail
They prevent what they provide
Everyone deserves a dry eye when they die
But not I
I want to weep vivaciously with every spark of life
And not marry a beckoning knife
As she kisses my neck in all her strife
And I die of my own beloved device

I want to be Johnny Carson on paper
I want to write now and live later
But I know this is what is life and death is
Without the fear of living
And that is something that is not worth missing